why do you keep falling for the same type?

Hello, Sexies, how are you guys doing this afternoon, this Sunday night? Well, welcome back to Pillow Talk. It's the show where we get into sex, relationships,ships, and the messy in between. 
Now put that under your pillow. You guys know who I am, but if you don't, and this is your first time here, I'm your host, Destiny Sinee. And tonight's episode, it's pretty deep. 
I am asking the question that we ask ourselves time and time and time time again, or that we ask our girlfriends, or that our homeboys ask their homeboys, or that your parents ask you. Why do you keep falling for the same type? Let's just say a friend, we're talking about you ain't none about me. 
Okay? No, but for real, what are we doing? Why are we stuck in this same emotional cycle? 
We're gonna talk about tonight, cycles, emotional habits, and the way your spirit may be stuck in a loop. Interesting, right? So you know that we're déja vu? 
Exactly. That's what the feeling is, déja vu, because now I'm in my fourth relationship, and now it feels like my very first relationship. Hmm. 
Same fights, the same red flags, same discussions, the same arguments. just a different name and maybe even a better haircutcut, right? Because let's just face it, you got with this person. So obviously they look better. 
Or for some of us, they may even look like these same exact type. I know, for me, I have not messed with the same type at all. Three of my major relationships, they all have looked different. 
They all have been male, and they all have been a black male. One's been bald. Actually, two been bald. 
Oh, my goodness, I just thought about that. Two has been bald and one has had hair. Those are my major relationships, you know? 
For the playthings, you know, that's just what they are. They're playthings, right? But what we were talking about tonight, we are asking, why are we drawn to the familiar, even when it hurts? 
Let's talk about it, shall we? So, the first segment up tonight is gonna be your red flags, green flags, 'Cause don't nobody pay attention to them. And you guys act like you guys really don't care. 
I think you guys see red flags and run to them thinking that, you know what? Maybe you guys are color blind. Maybe that red flag that you're seeing looks green to you. 
So, if you see a red flag, I want you to think about it because you might be seeing a green flag. Right? Does that make sense? 
Okay, whatever. So dating the potential, right? Let's get into one of the biggest setups in dating, falling for someone's potential. 
We are so guilty of that. And I remember hearing this and thinking, what are you talking about? Because my ex husband, my children's father used to always say to me, man, you have so much potential. 
You have potential. You used to always tell me, I know what you're going to be. I know you're going to be this great person. 
I know, and I'm just waiting for this. I'm'm just waiting. And I always thought that was a punch in the gut because my thing is, you don't like me for me? 
You like me for what I will become later on? Yeah, that's probably the problem. Some of you guys are out there talking about, oh, there's nothing wrong with that. 
I date people for potential. There is something wrong with that if you don't like who they are now. Because if that potential that you see never comes, then what happens then? 
Right. Or if that potential turns into a different category, it's still great. It's just something different from what you were thinking for them, right? 
How many times have you found yourself saying if they could just get it together, they've got so much promise. They're not where they need to be, but I see what they could be. Y'all, that's a fucking lot. 
You are not only putting a lot on yourself. You are putting a lot on this person that you met and you claimed that you liked what you saw when you met them. Right? 
Unpacked that one. You claimed, you liked what you saw when you met them, so therefore you started dating them. Nobody looks at a person and says, hmm, I think you potentially could be mayor of Nor United States, mayor of New York, mayor of Texas, and you're out there toting guns. 
Nobody looks at a potential like that. Nobody looks at people and say, oh, I think he's going to be a really good candidate before you meet them. And then you walk over and meet him, right? 
Okay. So nobody does that. You look at somebody and you get to know them for that person. 
You like them for that person. Now, don't get me wrong. The things that they say, the things that they may show you, show you that they have potential to be a great father because they're good with their nieces and nephews. 
Okay. That's a good potential. That's a green flag. 
That's something that you would run to. Oh, they're so great with their nieces and nephews. Oh, they're so nice to any kid. 
Oh, we were out having an ice cream date and a kid, you know, dropped their ice cream on my date and my date was like, oh, it's cool. You're good. You're a kid. 
It's just a kid. No, those are good things. Those are good qualities. 
Those are good green flags, right? But most of you probably don't look at that as green flags. They look at that as red flags, right? 
Okay, so red flag, you feel emotionally tired all the time because you're trying to fix, heal, or motivate them. Exactly what I said earlier. That is putting stress on you. 
So here you are dating somebody that you think if you just mow them, they will be better. Hmm. So you mold clay. 
Sometimes you do mold people. You actually mow your youngins, right? Your children. 
You mold them. Why would you want to fix, heal, or motivate a person who is not fixing healing or motivating their self? That's my thing. 
I do not want somebody who doesn't see qualities in their self, right? Did I say that right? If you don't think that you can be the best that you can be, then there's nothing that you can do with me. 
That's how I see it. Green flag, they're already living in alignment with their values. They're doing the work, not just dreaming out loud. 
And let's keep it honest. Why are we attracted to the struggle? Why? 
Why do we feel more comfortable in roles where we overgive, overcompensate or overstay? I think that's a good question to even ask myself, because. I think that's people get this mixed up. 
Oh, I'm not a go digger. I am just wanting to date wealthy. You can go digger when you are a go digger, when you are not given to that potential, correct? 
When you are not given, you're 100% when you're just straight up taking. We say they already live in the alignment. So for me, I was going down the path of creating something new when I met my guy. 
He was already in alignment of creating and being an entrepreneur, right? I came along and I didn't do anything but help him. He didn't do anything but enhance me. 
And that's the word I should have used, enhance, not help. enhanced. When you have a great person by your side or behind you, then it makes you do wonderful things, right? It makes you feel like you can take over the world. 
Well, like I said, when we met, we both were walking in our truth, not as much as we should have been, but we both were aligned in some of the values that we wanted to do or wanted to see in our future. So it was perfect. It matched up beautifully with him because here he was in music. 
Here I wanted to get in music. Here he has done a lot of podcasts. He has done so much stuff streaming. 
He's done it all almost before it was even popular to do. He's had equipment. So all I did was come in and enhance it. 
I also learned from him. He taught me a lot of stuff. Hence why I'm doing my podcast now. 
This is three years in the making. But he taught me a lot of things. He gave me a lot of wisdom. 
He gave me a lot of tools I needed that I knew I needed. And I did the same thing for him. I opened up a couple of more doors for him that he knew he needed, but he just didn't go that route at that time. 
So we actually met each other while each other was aligned and living in our values. We were doing the work. We were not just dreaming out loud. 
Sometimes love we chase mimics the love we were taught, right? Pretty much that's what they say about women chasing a bunch of men. The first thing they want to say is, oh, well, you must not have had a father in your life. 
Or a mother. You guys always throw it to the father. What about a mother? 
What about not having a mother in your life? That's pretty tricky. That's pretty hard. harsh, especially when your parents are alive, right? 
I used to say to myself, are to other people to out loud. I couldn't even imagine what it was like not having my mother in my life or not imagine, I couldn't even imagine not being in my mother's life. Well, it happens. 
Now that I'm on the other end of not having my mother in my life and she's still alive, it does make for a different type of person. I think it's made me hard and softer at the same time. It's also made me desensitize just being nice for pleasure. 
My boyfriend tells me I'm so super mean. And other people tell me, I'm so super mean now. I think I just got tired of people running all over me, you know, Different topic, of course, but it goes along the line. 
Sometimes the love we change mimics the love we were taught are the love we were not taught. So if we weren't taught with love, if you didn't feel love growing up, then that's why some people chase the love. That's why some people get behind people that shows them love in different types of ways because they don't know that love is not supposed to hurt. 
They don't know that love is not supposed to have a black eye. You know, maybe they don't know these things. So they continue chasing down the same path because they were never taught what they had. 
They were never taught when they were younger or had certain things when they were younger. If we grew up around emotional, unavailability, and consistency or caretaking dynamics, our nervous system normalized that. It becomes our emotional DNA. 
I tell people all the time, DNA is something that you got to take care of. All day long, all I say is DNA, DN.NA. But, you know, so it's just, we got to be more mindful, right, about what we want, about what we deserve. 
When you keep choosing the same type in a different body, that's not fate. That That's pattern. And a and every pattern has a root. 
Okay, we're just going to move right along. We got segment 2 coming up, guys. Heart to Heart. 
Attachment styles, and emotional cycles. Ooh, that's a lot. Just. a little deeper, right? 
Do you know your attachment style? I think I know mine. I believe I know mine. 
Are you anxiously attached? Always worried someone will leave. Are you avoid it, craving closeness, but pushing people away when it gets too real? 
Or are you secure attached, right? Steady, grounded, and emotionally available. I definitely am secure attached. 
At one point, I was avoidant. I do not believe that I was ever anxiously attached, which is always worried about someone will leave. That never, I was never that. 
That was never, ever my issue. And married to my first husband for, well, with my first husband for 15 years, married 13. with the second husband for seven years. So that was never my problems. 
I'm avoiding craving closeness but pushing people away when it gets too real. I think that became my problem later on after, you know, the husband's, it was a little, okay, okay, I'm over this. This is, you know, I was just really over that. 
So I did, I loved the closeness and I loved when people would get to the closeness that I want, but then they would get alone. little too much for me. And of course, I would run. It would be over. 
Secure, me being secure now, steady, grounded and emotionally available. Yes, that is me now. It's been me for a while now because, one, I have to be steady for myself. 
I have to be grounded for myself. And for me myself, I have to be emotionally available for me first. And that's where everybody goes wrong to me. 
They think that they have to be steady, grounded, and emotionally available for other people. Well, what about yourself first? You can be ready for other people all day long. 
We work with other people. Most of us in the United States have coworkers. So in a way, we're already steady, grounded and emotionally available to other people already because you work in an office, setting in an environment or you work for somebody or you run a workplace. 
You have your own business. You have employees. All of that secure, it comes naturally when we are talking about just a regular person, just another human, right? 
But when it becomes relationship talk, you have to be secure in yourself. You have to be steady. You have to be grounded and emotionally available for yourself first. 
That way we will not keep falling for the same tape. Hello? Yes, I said we, but I'm not saying we. 
That was just a slap of the tongue because we remember we're talking about y'all, not me. Okay. No, but seriously, you cannot keep falling for the same type because of the emotional unavailability you are to yourself. 
So let's do some reflecting together, right? Why did, I'm sorry, what did love feel like growing up? For me, I'll go first, okay? 
Then you guys can go after me. For me, love growing up felt like stability. My parents both had a job, very good job. 
We lived in White Suburbia is what I like to call it. I didn't have to worry about my lights being off. I didn't have to worry about that. 
That was love to me. That was stability. Having a two-p household, two- parent income, not having to live in certain places, places that I've visited because of, you know, family members or friends or whatever, that is what love felt like to me growing up, right? 
So what did it feel like to you? What did love feel like growing up? Write it down. 
Journal it. Journaling is so good. It will help you try to find out exactly why you keep going for the same type. 
Were you able to express your needs safely? Yes. I was very able to express my needs safely. 
I knew that it doesn't matter. I got my needs met safely. I didn't have that problem. 
So you have to ask yourself, are you able to express your needs safely? Again, write it down. Were you taught that love had to be earned or that it was already yours? 
Hmm. This is a good question, because I think that a lot of people would be very shocked to hear my answer. My answer was, I was taught that love had to be earned. 
So I believe that's what threw me in the departmentartment where I live. And I don't mean currently, but what I mean is growing up, I always felt I had to earn someone's love. So, yes, that's exactly was my answer. 
So with saying that, what about you guys, where you really taught and listen to this question, really, really listen to it, and be honest with yourself. Because when I read this question earlier, I was like, wow, that's a great question and I've never been asked that and I've never thought about it that way. Were you told that love had to be earned or that it was already yours? 
That's a good question. So with all this reflecting that we just did, with those three questions, you can develop emotional cycles that feel like love, but are actually survival. And I believe with some of the answers that you guys may give yourself, you were realized that you' actually in survival mode in your relationships. 
Because if why, what love felt like growing up were you able to express it safely? Were you taught it was earned or were you taught that it was given to you automatically? That developed your emotional cycle for you with your relationships when you start dating. 
So if you were, let's say if you were on the other spectrum, what did I feel like we growing up? Oh, always hugs, always love, always great compliments, always boosting, always encouraging. And then were you able to express your need safely? 
Yes. Oh, I could tell my parents of anything, even if it hurt their feelings. They were going to make sure they explained to me what happened and things like that, et cetera. 
Were you taught love or was it given? Oh, love was automatically given to me. My parents instilled that in me that I love you no matter what you're going to go through. 
I will always love you. So if you're on that level, then you may be one of the ones that are like projects, right, are always there for people or are the strong ones, are the ones that's going to give, give, and give out of your heart because that's the way you regrew. You were out raised, right? 
Again, emotional cycles, you guys developed them in childhood. We perfect them throughout our outolescence, into young adulthood, into adult. We perfect them because of what society has thrown at us or what we have thrown back at society. 
We perfect them because of what we believe we need, want, or want to give. Right? So because of all that, the first thing everybody wants to throw back is, oh, well, how were you raised? 
Come on, guys, we know better than that. Stop asking these grown people how they were raised and start asking these grown people the questions that you should be asking them. So, for example, chasing people who are emotionally distant, that is definitely would be one for you feel like you've been chasing. 
Like it had to be earned, the love, right? Mistaking chaos for passion. That one would be basically because, like I said earlier, you argue and you fuss fight in that because you felt that way growing up, you felt that's the way of you showing love. 
Something like that. I don't really know because I'm never really in those situations to be doing that chaotic stuff. No shades to anybody else. 
But yeah, I don't know. I've never been there. So somebody has to chime in and tell me so we can talk about it on the next show, right? 
Filling a spark that's just anxiety and disguise. Hmm. That's a lot, right? 
So you feel a spark, but in reality, you just realize that's anxiety. So what, what does that mean? Does that mean, you feel the spark when he comes home, when she or he comes home, not going to be biased? 
You feel anxious. You know, you're like, oh, hi, welcome home. can I get your dinner? Oh, you know, that's anxious. 
You feel like you always have to be on. That's what that's talking about, right? Or needing to prove you're worth in a relationship. 
You're always going the extra mile. You're always doing the extra checking in. You're always making sure they feel that they know where you are. 
They feel that they know your feelings and they feel that they know how they feel about you, right? Exactly. That's what that is. 
All that's a little crazy. And again, it's about your emotional attachment styles. Again, so the question is, are you anxiously attached? 
Remember, always worried someone will leave. Are you avoiding attached? craving closeness between you push people away when it gets way too real? 
That used to be me. Or are you secure? Steady, ground and emotionally available in yourself first and then available for for another person. 
When we don't heal, we repeat. Not because we like pain, right, but because it's just familiar to us. And familiar feels safe even when it's toxic. 
We got to change that. We got to change our familiar. Alrighty, already. 
All right, listener confessions, pillow talk confessions coming up. I I keep dating my ex in new people. We have a couple of, I think we have maybe one. 
Oh, yeah, you know what? We only have one this time and she is not anonymous. It comes from Tiffany in Houston. 
She says, I've dated three different girls guys in the last five years, and I swear it's like they're all the same man with a different name. Emotionally, unavailable, charming at first. But once I catch feelings, they pull back. 
I'm too tired, but I don't know how to stop. Girl, I feel you. I feel you when you say I'm too tired, but I don't know how to stop. 
You don't know how to stop because you don't want to be by yourself, right? That's that's what I had to realize about myself. After my second divorce, I did go through a phase of dating, you know, and I don't even mean, I mean dating as far as, let's just go and have some fun. 
I really wanted to go and laugh and have fun. I went to comedy clubs, I went to all kind of different places with all different types of men. Again, it was never about trying to find something. 
It was it was just about having fun for me at this stage in my life, right? But the ones that I seem drawn to, the ones that I that I see, oh, I'm going to date you again. Yeah, I would definitely go out with you again. 
Let's do this again. I noticed that they were all the same type. I noticed they were, hey, she likes me. 
Okay, let me draw her in a little bit more. And then like you said, when I started showing that, oh, I'm interested. Hey, what's going on? 
How are you? How was your day? Then I would see the pull back. 
So I stopped and I got familiar with me, right? What I would ask you is, what you're describing or what I would say to you is what you're describing as emotional pattern recognition. You actually know, right? 
You actually know these last three guys that you've dated has been the same guy. It's real. It's rooted in your nervous system and your subconscious belief, I promise you, it is. 
Look it up, emotional pattern recognition. But here's the thing. When you become aware of this patterattern and you have the power to disrupt it, right? 
You have to ask yourself, who was the first person to make me feel like I had to earn love? What am I chasing? Connection or validation? 
Hmm. Put that under your pillow. What version of love do I believe I deserve? 
Ooh, sounds like something I said earlier. You got to you got to know what you deserve. You have to know that. 
So the first person to make you feel like you had to earn love you guys, some were so scared sometimes to go all the way back to parental. We got to go back to the parental and then work our way down, right? Why am I chasing? 
What am I chasing? Connection or validation? Because it's totally different. 
Connection is the love, the connection you have with your best friend. That's connection, right? Does your best friend validate you? 
Do you validate your best friend? Is that why you guys are friends? Because you guys agree and validate each other all day long? 
That would make for a boring relationship. Seriously. Or are you chasing the validation that you're wonderful and you deserve love and you're beautiful? 
What are you truly chasing? And then what version of love do you deserve? Do you deserve the love that is going to spoil you and spend money on you? 
Do you deserve the version of love that's going to pretty much beat you whenever you do something wrong, as long as you do something good, as long as you're doing exactly what he says, you have to figure out what version that you deserve. Write it down. Like I said, get a journal. 
Write it down. Rewrite the cycles by choosing ourselvesel, not just once, but over and over and over again. Alrighty, ally. 
So what's up next is Pillow Talk Play. Ooh, y'all, that's those two segments were so real and so strong and so harsh that it's time to have some fun and listen to some music. Also, Tiffany in Houston, thanks for writing in, girlfriend. 
Alright, y'all, Pillow Talk playlist. This one was curated for those of Hilling, growing, and choosing better. It's called breaking the Pattern, okay? 
So first up, we're going to go with our girl, Lost One, by Jasmine Sullivan. All righty, all righty, okay, you go, girl. Next up is Fabulous featuring P&B Rock. 
Next, we're gonna have Maye Meller and then Brent Fo. Situation Ships, therapist, and talk to you. Let's get it. 
Okay, okay. How did y'all like that? So the last song I'm gonna play from you is yes., we gonna we started it with Miss Sullivan. 
We go in with Miss Sullivan. Pick up your feelings. Get it, girl, sing that song. 
Let these songs hold space for you. Cry it out, vibe it out, or just let the lyrics speak while your heart hasn't found the words yet. Well, thank you so much for joining me this pill pillow talk. 
Why do we always keep falling for the same type? I'm your host, Destiny Sineay. Make sure you come back next week. where we will be talking about, you know what? 
I'm not for sure yet. You know what? Matter of fact, next week is actually on you guys. 
Email me your topics. Email me your topics at by, I'm sorry, email me your topics by Monday night. right? And you email me. 
Let me know what kind of topics you want to hear, what should be my next show. What else do I want to know? Oh, if you have a question.. 
What else? Oh, and definitely if you have a pillow talk confession, email me at let'stalk at pillowtalk at gmail.com. So what we're going to do is I'm going to leave you with a couple of little thoughts, right? 
Patterns are powerful, but they're not permanent. The moment you choose awareness over autopilot, self worth, overcure struggle, love, healing over history. That's when the things shift. 
So if no one told you today, you are worthy of real love, not that kind that confuses you, drains you, or keeps you guessing, but the kind that sees you chooses you and stays. Until next time, this is Pillow Talk. Keep it real, keep it tender, and always choose you.